Tag Archives: Parenting

Conflict among parents, and effect on child || Acharya Prashant (2019)

Conflict among parents, and effect on child

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Question: Acharya ji, what happens when parents are in conflict? What happens to the child? How can two people, the husband and the wife, love the child very much, but between them there is a lot of conflict?

What is the impact on the child? And how can the parent help the child to be a stable adult?

Acharya Prashant: It’s a double calamity. You see, first of all, there is this basic thing regarding company. Let’s say there is only one child. So, there are three people – the man, the woman, and the child.

The child has the company of the man and the woman. The man and the woman, constitute, let’s say fifty to eighty percent of the child’s company. Except for the neighboring playground, and the school he goes to, who is the one who provides him company? These two, the man and the woman.

So, it is these two, that he principally, got for company. And when you are in the company of people, who are always fighting, what effect will it have on your mind?

Forget that those people are your parents. Any two people. If you are in a railway coach, and that too, in an enclosed cabin, with two fellow passengers, and it’s just a journey let’s say ten hours long, and those two people are constantly squabbling, what would it do to you?

Listener: Irritating, Frustrating.

Acharya ji: If you are very patient, you will try to sleep. If you are little less patient, you will try to calm them down. If you know even lesser patience, you will pull the chain. And if you are totally fed up, you may as well not decide to wait the next station.

(laughter)

If even ten hours are intolerable, with two quarreling people, how does it feel to live with two quarreling fools, for an entire lifetime? Forget that they are your parents, any two persons. I said that even strangers, fellow travelers in a train. It’s a very-very bad thing to happen, to anybody. And worst, if it happens to the impressionable mind of the child.

When you are fighting, you become very-very self-centered. Extremely selfish. When you  are fighting, then ego is aroused to unimaginable levels. You forget all about anybody else. In the moment of aggressive excitement, you are totally yourself, you are totally the little self, you are totally the petty ego. And then the others’s welfare, the other’s concern, cease to matter. 

When the woman is fighting the man, and vice-versa, then it becomes immaterial to both of them, what is happening to the child. The woman has to win, the man has to win. And in the process of winning that petty battle, what is happening to the kid, becomes insignificant.

Listener: What is the solution?

Acharya ji: We have to see what is happening. Next thing, is the issue of identification. First thing was of company. Next is of, identification. Not only is the kid in bad company, he is deeply identified with these two quarreling people.

One is his or her mother. The other is his or her father. And what does identification mean? I am – that. This is what identification says, right? That am I. In the heated moment of the quarrel, what is the mother? The mother is pure aggression. What is the father? The father is pure hatred. And the kid is saying, “That am I,” because the kid is identified with the father and the mother.

So what does the kid become? Aggression and hatred. And the mother and the father will not even realise it. They will say, “We were fighting. We didn’t do anything to the kid as such.” You did do, and you did a lot. You destroyed the kid.

Listener: So, is it better to separate?

Acharya ji: And take the kid along.

Listener: The kid will live with at least one of them.

Acharya ji: Would one of them live and survive loneliness? No. That one of them, will surely, pull into his life, somebody else. It may not necessarily be somebody from the opposite sex. But that fellow is surely not going to live a vacuous, and vacant life. He would find something, to get involved in, because the fundamental, petty ego, remains the same, even after separation.

Separation does not transform the ego. Divorce is not enlightenment. Or is it? So you are still the same. Kid is still with one of these two fools. In fact, it might make it worse for the kid, because now there is nobody else to fight with. So the kid gets all the aggressive attention. You know, you can’t beat up he wife now. And the hand is itching. So, it’s the kid.

Divorce, and separation, are obviously not the solution.

Solution lies in basic, inner transformation.

And that inner transformation will become easier, if the parents see that they have some love for the kid. 

You know, sometimes it is easier to do for others, than for yourself. It is easier to say, “I will accept defeat, not because I feel like getting defeated, but for the sake of the kid.”

“For the sake of the child, I am prepared to accept the defeat.”

The important thing is to realise that it is not for no reason, that most of the world’s population, is already distorted, by the time it reaches adolescence.

This organisation has worked a lot, with teenagers and young people. And let me tell you, by the time a boy or a girl reaches seventeen, there is ninety-five percent chance that he or she is already a very difficult case, almost beyond redemption. Such is the distortion of psyche, that happens due to a bad childhood.

In fact, if there is one unpardonable crime, it is bad parenting. 

You are not even killing someone. You are disfiguring someone, and sentencing him, to live an entire life. How does it sound? It is like chopping off somebody’s limbs, and ensuring that he lives. And lives an entire life, without limbs.

In fact, it is probably possible to live an entire life without these physical limbs. But it is far worse, living an entire life, with a distorted mind. And the parents, and to some extent, the society and the education, they very badly distort the minds of young people.

And it is also something very curious, very regrettable, that often it happens, that the more ignorant a person is, the more desirous he is, of having kids. It is not always the case, but it is found very frequently.

In fact, if a proper scientific survey is done, may be a statistical correlation can be established. The ignorance quotient, will be directly proportional to the number of kids one has.

Excerpts from a ‘Shabd-Yoga’ session. Edited for clarity.

Watch the session:  Conflict among parents, and effect on child || Acharya Prashant (2019)


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We hardly ever relate in love

Relationship can be of any type. Relationship can involve multiple levels. Right now you’re sitting on a chair, there is a relationship between you and the chair. Right now there is this mic in front of me, there is a certain relationship between me and mike. You use your bike, there’s a certain relationship between you and your bike. It is not necessary that every relationship involves love. However, if the mind is loving then love will be present in all relationships. Get these two things together and parallelly.

We relate with so many and so much, people, animals, objects, ideas, bodies, the sense of self, we relate with them all, but we hardly ever relate in love. You can have a relationship your entire life without the relationship being a loving relationship. Yes, you would have a relationship, but there would be no love in it, it would be dry. Love is so fine, so tender, and so subtle, that those who have known have even gone to the extent of saying that love should not be called a relationship at all.

They have said that the word ‘relationship’ is a totally spoilt word. The word has become abused. So, when you say ‘relationship’, it should only mean a pre-scripted, definite, predefined, stale kind of relationship. When that is how you connect to the other, then using the word ‘relationship’ is fine. But when two people are together in love, and when I say ‘two’, and I say ‘people’, ‘two’ can mean anything from one till infinity, and ‘people’ can mean people, thoughts, ideas, things, animals, anything.



Read the complete article: Giving back to parents

Giving back to parents

21762214_1227353527370622_921021697824714700_nL: I feel that I should give all the things to my parents, and everything. I internally feel that. That is nothing coming from the society. I feel that they gave me so much so I should give them too.

AP: See, it’s a very obvious thing if you would see. There is a recent case. I think just happened three or four days back. Probably, in Hyderabad or some other city in the South. A mother is refusing to breastfeed her newly born girl. Have you read that case?

Two babies were parallelly born. The nurse takes one out and calls out for the parents. Accidentally, the parents of the other baby that happens to be a boy, this first one is a girl, they come out. They take that baby so they get swapped. Within hours it is discovered that this mistake has happened. And when the hospital staff tries to correct the mistake, both the mothers insist that the boy belongs to them. One of the mothers is 22 years old, the other is 20 years old. Not old really. We have graduate students of that age. Correct? Continue reading

Individual enlightenment is a myth.

Don’t ask for your personal freedom. Help others around you, be free. You will never be personally liberated, never. It’s impossible. Individual enlightenment is a myth. Either all get it together or nobody gets it. We all are in the same boat. Either we all cross or we all sink together.

To help yourself, help the other.

This is not merely altruism. You are not being charitable. This is the holiest form of selfishness. Help the other crossover, on your back. When the other reaches the other shore, you would find that you too have reached the other shore. Also, without having the other on your back, you will find that you cannot swim. This is the nature of the ‘world’ river.

The ‘world’ river is a flow of relationships. Nobody cuts through it alone. Take everybody with you, as many as you can. The more you take along with you, the more strength you get to take more and more with you. And do not take this as an exaggeration. I am saying, one day you may find that have been carrying the entire Universe with you.

It is not a matter of just the relationship between two people – Father and son, and husband and wife. No, not at all.



Read the complete article: Relief from Loneliness

Relief from loneliness

BFB1Acharya Prashant: The word ‘loneliness’ or ‘lonely’ is actually a misnomer. The one who calls himself lonely is actually never ‘lonely’. If lonely means not being with anybody, not having anybody to accompany you, then the one who is lonely is actually never without company. He or she always has company. Yes?

And whose company does this person have? This person always has his own company. Okay?

This will make it easier for us to understand.

Traditionally, generally, it has been said that the lonely person is the one who is needing somebody else’s company, right?

You look at it a little differently. You go a little deeper into it. The lonely person is not just needing somebody’s company, in fact, it is possible that at times, he may even think that he does not need anybody’s company. He may think that he is not in need of somebody’s company because he already is in the company of his own thought. Continue reading

Be a parent even to your lover

People have talked of the one who cannot be talked of, in various ways. They have talked of him as a lover, they have talked of him as a creator, as a destroyer. But the most charming description of him, is him as a parent, as a father or as a mother. And that is why, even amongst Saints, you find most references to him as that of Father or Mother. Yes, some people have called him lover also. Some have called him destroyer also. Some have given him other colorful names, beautiful names. But the most prevalent name is Father or Mother. There is a reason.

Look at what he is doing. You would find that among other things, mostly he is engaged in parenting. He is engaged in having things complete their cycles. Grow up, grow up, grow up, grow up, grow up. Even death is the next step in growing up. Grow up, grow up, grow up, grow up, and die. So, even if you call him destroyer, he is still a parent. He is helping you grow by dying.

There is great joy in parenting, there is great joy in helping the other grow and seeing the other grow. Be a parent, even to your lover. Be a parent even to your husband, even to your wife. If you are a man, be a Father to your wife. If you are a wife, be a Mother to your husband. That is Godly.

Be a father to your friend, be a mother to your pet. And obviously, that is far beyond physical procreation. Obviously, that is far beyond the social institutions of marriage etc. You are a parent, irrespective of who the other is. Your touch is a touch of life. Your very touch is a healing gesture. You touch someone and he grows. You know what is growth? Growth is expression. You know what is expressed? The Truth is expressed. That is what is called being a parent. You touch the other one, and his heart comes to be expressed. That is Godly.

That is the only way, anybody ever grows. That is the only way anybody ever gains maturity. By parently touch, by the touch of God, by the touch of Absolute. Touch the other one and help him gain maturity. That is the joy of living. That is in some sense, the only way of living.

And the more we talk of it, the more it appears foolish to escape away to some corner of the city or to a village, or to a desert, or a mountain. To any secluded place and hide there. Look at the one you are worshipping. You are saying that you are going to hide in that cave so that you may worship. The one you are worshipping remains engaged. He is engaged with you, with you, with you, with you. He is always in relationships. God is in a million relationships. Million is such a small number. Why must then you abdicate your relationships?



Read the complete articleTo help yourself, help the other

To help yourself, help the other

21762214_1227353527370622_921021697824714700_nQuestion: Acharya Ji, What does Osho mean when he says, “You help the other be alone so that you do not remain a need for the other”?

Acharya Prashant: This is with reference to a relationship. There is a relationship, a relationship apparently involves two. And if the two are lonely what are they doing in that relationship?

Just fulfilling their own self-interests. Because the lonely person has nothing but ‘himself’ in his world. The world exists for his sake so that he might be fulfilled. For the lonely person, who is paramount? “Himself, his needs.” And his needs are great! Why are his needs are great? Because he is missing the Absolute, so his need is the? Absolute. And if your need is Absolute, nothing can fulfill your need. The Absolute is? Infinite. If you are missing a little, then a little can fulfill you. If you are missing a little, then a little can fulfill you. But what if you are missing the Absolute. Then what would fulfill you? What hope is there? Too bad. Continue reading